Once again, I’m contributing to Sloane’s FreEDom from Perfection campaign!
My confession today?
I’m terrified of asking for help.
It doesn’t matter if it’s with a personal matter (I will fight a pickle jar until the death) or schoolwork, I hate doing it. I’m the person who will take a lower mark on a paper rather than ask for help or clarification. Considering that I’m also a huge perfectionist, it makes for a lot of internal battles.
When I was in high school, I knew I was having troubles. I was having issues with depression and anxiety, but I refused to seek any sort of counselling. I’ve always had a very “I can do it myself” approach to things, even when I should be seeking help. As a result, I developed some extremely negative ways of dealing, with binging and restriction cycles being one of them.
With the ED, I had to hit an extremely dark place before I felt that help was necessary. In fact, it was almost a full year (about 9-10 months) after I hit my lowest weight that I began taking steps to finding a therapist. I had gained about 10 pounds, but was still pretty underweight. Eventually, I understood that if I continued to fight this on my own, I’d remain stagnant and stuck. I knew the ED was making me miserable, so clearly I wasn’t doing myself any favours by continuing the battle on my own.
Of course, entering therapy was the best decision I’ve ever made. My therapist was able to help me figure out the roots of my anorexia and deal with my emotions surrounding it, eventually leading me to beat the disease and reach a healthy weight that I’ve been maintaining for about 2 years now. I know that without that reach for help, I’d likely still be in battle with my eating disorder; which if you’ve had similar experiences, you know is absolute hell.
Although I was able to (eventually) ask for the help I needed regarding the ED, I still struggle with it in everyday life. I almost view asking for help as weakness, which is completely untrue. I don’t expect anyone else to be 100% capable all of the time, so why would I hold myself to a different standard? I know I’m not being fair to myself.
When I try to accomplish everything on my own and then am disappointed with the results, I feel like a failure. I beat myself up internally for not feeling capable – this is unacceptable and unnecessary.
So a new goal for myself: Ask for help when I need it. No one views me as different or weak just because I need help. I’m not the strongest person in the world, or the best student, or most capable. But if asking for help can help me reach my goals, why wouldn’t I do it?
<— Do you have trouble asking for help?
<— Do you hold yourself to a different standard than you do others?
<— What’s your #freEDom confession today?